Every new year I ask the Lord for a verse that can be my theme for that calendar year. As we approached this January, I began praying for that verse. The verse written above was very present in my mind: "O God, You are my God; EARNESTLY I seek you..." (emphasis mine). The verse the Lord gives me is always providential as the year unfolds, and it is starting to become an adventure in my own heart to see how the Lord will use a particular verse. Last year's verse was Ps. 73:26-- "My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." At the beginning of 2008, I wondered why the Lord would give me that verse, but on December 31, 2008, I knew that I had needed that ballast when my heart and flesh did fail often, even daily, through a very difficult year. The Lord graciously never lets me see ahead, but looking back I always see His providence in the verse He selects for me.
So what about this year's verse?
This last December, as I was trying to think of a gift idea for Paul, I decided that I would transfer many of our old videotapes onto DVD. Paul has a DVD player in his office in Iraq, so I knew it was a gift he would enjoy! Our old 8mm camera had broken, so I spread the word among some friends that I would like to borrow one. Sure enough, one family from church brought me theirs to borrow the next Wednesday night, and I was sure I could give Paul a really precious gift!
That night I went home, put the kids to bed, and started searching for the old videotapes. I thought I knew where I had put them, but when I looked, they were nowhere to be found. I was literally up all night, searching and crying as I tore the basement workshop apart looking for the lost tapes. I was frantic. I was very concerned that all of our video memories-- the kids' births, their first steps, their little antics-- were gone.
I think the stress of the last seven months all culminated in that one night. I had finally hit my breaking point, and I cried for hours. I could not imagine what had happened to those tapes. I felt crushed and bewildered. Where could they be? I couldn't even begin to imagine.
I finally gave up my search-- exhausted and spent emotionally. I had spent too much time looking for them already and the search was just going to have to wait until after Christmas. I resigned myself to the fact that I wouldn't be able to make the DVD's for Paul after all.
Paul arrived home on Christmas Eve, and we had a wonderful Christmas together. The only thing he REALLY wanted for Christmas anyway was just to be with us, and God gave us that gift! Those missing tapes were never far from my mind though, and I was itching to get back downstairs and resume my search.
A few days after we made the jump into 2009, my dear husband agreed to spend a couple of hours with me in the workshop, sorting things and giving me some direction on the piles, bins, and boxes. We have never lived in a house longer than three years, so I've never had the opportunity to collect and store and pile. However, we are nearing three years in this house, and stuff has started to accumulate. Coupled with my rampage through the workshop in search of the lost tapes, that space was an absolute disaster.
Paul and I went downstairs, put on some music, and got started. With each box I opened, my heart sank a little more because I still hadn't found those tapes. I was beginning to run out of places they could be. I was even crying again, but my rational husband kept saying, "They've got to be here somewhere."
After two hours of working, Paul took the kids to go do some errands before dinner. I set a timer and decided to search for another half hour. I started into the "keepsake" boxes where all of the "memories" are stored-- the place I thought I put the tapes in the first place. That would make sense, right?
I came to one last box-- a box I had searched in four times already, and the place I thought I had put the tapes last summer. There, at the bottom, were all of the videotapes-- right where I had thought they should be all along. I had looked in that box, dug through the box, practically torn the box apart, but I had missed them during my frantic search in December. I haven't lined up the dates, but I think they are all there-- about 15 of them. I was absolutely stunned.
As I stood at my kitchen sink a few minutes later, I began asking God what He wanted me to learn from this whole experience. Why wouldn't I have seen them? That was where I thought I had put them originally, and I had looked there so many times. How could I have been so blind? How did I not see all those tapes? Was there a reason He didn't allow me to see them that night?
The Holy Spirit had one phrase for me: "Seek Me like that. Seek Me like that."
I have only heard that phrase once before. Several years ago, a friend in a Bible study gave a testimony about losing her wedding ring diamond while she was out shoveling snow. As she frantically searched through sparkling snow for the lost stone, the Holy Spirit had clearly said to her, "Seek Me like that."
I haven't thought about that testimony in a long time, but when I asked the Lord what I was supposed to take from this, He VERY CLEARLY reminded me of that phrase--"Seek Me like that. Seek Me like that."
"But, Lord, I dug through the dust and cobwebs and old memories and accumulated junk like a mad woman. I was frantic and unconcerned about anything else but finding those tapes. Why didn't I see them then? I have thought about them constantly."
I was sobbing by that time.
"Seek Me like that. Seek Me like that."
OK, Lord, I'm listening. I think I finally understand...
"O God, You are my God; EARNESTLY I seek You..."
1 comment:
Wow, Heidi! Thanks for sharing what God is teaching you. I do thank my God when I remember you . . . Thanks for modeling a woman who earnestly seeks her Savior. I love you and miss you, sis.
Praying for you all,
Heather
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